Ok, so right from the beginning I want to get this straight. I do not support bullying. I think bullies are cowards. I have been the target of bullies through my early teenage years.
I continue to watch grown men and women I know bully through various media and means (yes, including Facebook, face to face and through psychological and physical intimidation).
But I digress. The media is full of stories of young people who end their lives through various means as the result of bullying campaigns. The stories all show bereft parents calling on government at all levels to address bullying, to put a stop to the behaviours, to step in. Occasionally there is a report of a parent who has taken the law into their own hands and really, have effectively just bullied the bully.
As a parent, I've worried about my children, particularly my 11 year old son, who, let's face it, can be a bit sooky and anxious. He's a little small for his age and, yes, has been targeted by bullies before. He managed the bullying (physical attacks) by fighting back (thank goodness for his brown belt in ju jutsu) after attempting all of the other techniques taught to him at school. Asking the bully to stop resulted in laughter. Walking away resulted in a hit from behind. Telling a teacher had no result (I didn't see it so I can't do anything!) he got to the point where his anxiety kicked in and he was physically sick at the thought of lunchtime each day, when the child would seek him out.
We talked about his options. Like I said, he tried the techniques taught at school. He knew that physical retribution was a last resort - his training taught him that he should only use his skills for defence and never attack. But eventually, when all else failed, he was forced to put the bully on his butt. Twice. The child has not looked sideways at him since.
I can't change a bully's behaviour. I can maybe work at deflecting the behaviour away from my son, but then it just moves onto the next potential target. I can, however, give my children the tools to deal with bullying behaviour. Both have undertaken martial arts training to a junior brown belt level. That addresses the physical. But in this day and age, it's the psychological factors we need to build on.
With access to online media starting at earlier and earlier ages, there are so many opportunities for children to tear each other down online. So what tools can we give them?
Socially acceptable behaviours are a great first step. Reminding them the adage of treating others as you wish to be treated. The value of thinking before hitting the update button. Advise them that what goes online stays online, even if they delete it - if it's online it's printable and ultimately eternal.
Monitor their online behaviour. Talk to them about the positive and negative behaviours. Talk to other parents about stuff their kids are posting (not always successful, but if you know the parent well enough, this can be a real help.
I once found one of my daughter's Facebook friends had posted a comment against a photo of her dancing. The (older) girl told her that "I don't know why you bother. You're a crap dancer and may as well just do the world a favour and just kill yourself now". Nice coming from a 13 year old. I didn't bother to approach the parent, but the next time my daughter was in a group talking with that girl, I joined the conversation and mentioned I regularly check her fb and log in as her. Funnily enough, that girl deleted those posts shortly after. Interesting that she knew she had done the wrong thing and it was only the idea of an adult finding out that prompted her to review her behaviour.
When I asked my daughter about the post, she shrugged her shoulders and said "it's not true Mum, so it didn't bother me". This is a tool she has developed all on her own. She has strong enough self esteem and belief in her self worth that words don't bother her. I asked if she ever felt bullied. Yep, she replied, but only if I give them the power by believing them.
She is certainly made of different stuff than I was. A people pleaser, I was wracked by words that brought me down, worried that no one would like me and an easy target. My daughter has chosen not to be a victim. Told by friends not to talk to one of her other friends because she wasn't cool enough, and threatened with the same ostracism shown to that girl, she chose to champion the downtrodden girl. They are fast friends and the other girls still talk to her despite their empty threats.
I am proud of my girl. She developed those morals and behaviours herself. Of course she reflects the upbringing given by myself and her dad, her grandparents, aunts, uncles and others around her, but she has made her choices and followed that path. The old adage "sticks and stones" is her own personal mantra, and it's one that we work on daily with her brother, who displays behaviours much more similar to me as a child.
So when he starts to let his anxiety levels rise, we remind him of his worth. We build his self esteem, we reinforce the positives and talk through the negatives.
There's a lot of subject matter out there on the web. I encourage parents to read, weigh up what's best for their child, and begin to implement some of the measures. School guidance officers are another option, along with many government-run program's to help children build skills of their own. Encourage them to talk to you about their issues. And LISTEN! Find somewhere quiet, turn off the tv or radio and have a real talk. Listen to what they're saying, ask questions, give them the chance to tell you how they think they can deal with it. You can't give them all the answers but you can be a great sounding board.
Don't blow up. Don't get emotive. Don't threaten to confront the bully. More often than not they want someone to hear them. Build their value, show them their worth and most importantly let them know you are there for them, that they are not alone.
Don't wait for bullying to become the issue. Start giving your child the skills today. They are life skills that will not only get them through the tough early years, but will equip them for their entire lives.
