Sometimes you just have to write

Sometimes you just feel like you have to write. Sometimes it may be to share an experience, sometimes to ease the load, to inform, to reflect, to off-load, to celebrate.

There are so many reasons to write. So many ways to do it.  I confess I run this blog that I very infrequently add to.  But this time I didn't want to tap my thoughts into a keyboard and have them saved somewhere in cyberspace.  

This time I wanted to enjoy the physical act of putting pen to paper. I bought a new pen. I waited a week. I bought a notebook as I browsed a gift shop full of beautiful and expensive items.

And now I write (this was all handwritten first and I am just now transcribing to online media).  Sitting on the bus (wish that was really the reason for the messy script) commuting between meetings and putting thoughts down in ink, on paper.

This is release.  This is my release. A chance to put it down in writing, to empty my mind of these thoughts, commit them to text and move forward.  To move on. To release the past and look onward to the future.  To tidy my mind and quiet those voices who nag at the edge of my conscious self and erode my chance of optimism and esteem.

I have dabbled in the dark pool that is mental illness, have dipped my toes in the water and sent ripples across the surface of my mind.  I have stared into the abyss that is depression and while I have not fallen, I've been tempted to jump.

So today I write. I write to journal my thoughts, put them out there to see, to review, to question and to, finally, put them behind me where they belong.

I write to calm the black dog, to lull him, to keep him at bay and reclaim my self.

And so it begins...

Judge not, lest ye be judged...

This week, a suspect was arrested and charged in a murder investigation that, according to the media, "had sparked the interest of the entire nation." 

I refer to the tragic murder of mother-of-three Allison Baden-Clay.  This week, her husband was arrested on charges of murder.

I read the reaction across the social media scene with intense interest.  Comments ranged from "I knew it was him all along" to "rot in jail you bastard" to "I hope they get him in jail".  Now I know that this is a very hot topic and that there was a great deal of media interest from the moment that Allison was reported missing.  Speculation was rife right from the beginning about her husband's involvement in her disappearance and it seemed like everyone had an opinion.

Me, I thought he might have been involved, but interestingly, when it was announced I did not feel any of the feelings vented above.  In fact, when I began to read the impassioned comments made, I found myself not taking his side, but at least empathising with him.

Our justice system is based on the premise of innocent until proven guilty.  Most of the people who made these statements have immediately written him off as guilty purely because he has been arrested.  I hope none of them are called up to serve on his jury, cos it would be a safe bet that they have already pronounced guilt on him and are ready for sentencing.

It's pretty fair to say that a lot of innocent people are arrested and charged in our legal system.  It's one of the reasons I don't support capital punishment - after all, it's much harder to say "Sorry we got it wrong" to someone who was executed years ago for a crime that they didn't commit.  And if you think that doesn't happen, try googling Timothy Evans - he was executed following trial for the murder of his wife, only for it to be discovered years later that she was the victim of infamous serial murderer John Christie.  Ironically, Christie testified against Evans at his trial, which lead to Evans' hanging execution.

But I digress.  I have no doubt that the police have done a thorough investigation and collected the evidence necessary to support a conviction.  However until that verdict is found either by a judge or a jury of his peers, I'm happy to sit back and watch what rolls out.  If he is found guilty, he will be jailed and will pay for his crime behind bars.  If he is found not guilty (not innocent you'll notice, because he is actually innocent until proven otherwise), there will no doubt be many choruses of "he got out of it", but when push comes to shove, if they can't prove it, he can't be convicted. 

Either way, his life has pretty much ended.  Jail if guilty, but if not, how will he rebuild a shattered life that may result in up to two years of his life in incarceration before he even goes to trial.  He will forever have the shadow of murder hanging over his head.  People will continue to judge him as a murderer.  Look at Lindy Chamberlain, I'm sure there are plenty of people who still secretly believe she was involved in her daughter's death.  It doesn't matter that a coroner has finally identified a dingo as the culprit, that cloud will always hang over her in some people's minds.

Until the evidence has been presented and the trial is complete, I'll reserve my verdict.  It's what I'd hope people would do for me if I ever found myself in the same situation. 

The ratings are in...

My son recently saved up his pocket money for six months and bought himself an XBox 360.  No he doesn't get paid the big bucks for his chores, I went halves with him in the purchase.

We bought the console as part of a bundle, which included the Kinect equipment, a controller and 3 games.  All of the games are for the Kinect.  After just one day, Mr Eleven was complaining that he needed a controller game because it was exhausting playing the Kinect games.  He gave me a list of games he would like - which I found quite funny - I'd just forked out $180 on a console, and had not intentions of buying top of the range games now!

However I did concede that I could buy him one.  Off to EB Games I went, and found the perfect game.  Rated PG, Thor seemed like a good option.  After all, he got a controller game and I got to watch a Chris Helmsworth character on screen.  Win-win situation if you ask me.

To his credit, he loved the game and was extremely appreciative.  But he continued to try to plug away at me to buy him the ones he really wanted.  Nothing but the Halo series would make him truly happy with his new toy.  "Mum," he said, "I've been playing it for ages when I go across the road to my friend's house."  That made me angry.  He knew I didn't want him to play it, so had snuck across the road to play it at his mate's house.  Perhaps I was most angry because I knew it was something I would have done as a child as well!

I'd done a bit of research on Halo, and found that the ones he wanted were rate MA 15+.  Hayden has played games that are M rated, usually with simulated video violence, but still at a level I'm comfortable with.  I'm not prepared to buy those games for him yet - he's only 11 years old, and I trust that the censors who rate these games rate them at these levels for a reason.

I visited EB games again today and found two games in the Halo series that were rated PG and M.  They were also heavily discounted, so I got the two of them for $30 total.  I've read the details, and am happy that they will be ok for him to play.  He will probably get the PG one first and I'll hold the M rated one back until I've checked out the PG version.

When I paid for the games, the assistant asked me if I'd like to pre-order Halo 4.  I politely declined and asked what the rating was.  "MA15+" was the response.  I explained that it was for an 11 year old.  She nonchalantly replied, "Oh, that's ok, we find that kids who play those rated games are as young as 8!"

I was dumbfounded, and then started to question myself.  Was I just a fuddy duddy who wouldn't let my son play these games?  If other parents were ok with it, why wasn't I?  I really began to second-guess myself.

Then I realised that everyone is different.  I'm not judging anyone here.  If you're reading this and your child plays games above their classification level, that's your choice.  You know your kids better than I ever will and I'm not hear to tell you if you're right or wrong.  I just know that for my son, I'm not ready for him to learn more adult concepts through video games.  I don't watch him play every moment he is on, which means I can't talk him through things that may be beyond his conceptual levels. 

So he'll stick to the PG games and the occasional M for the moment.  He may not think I'm the coolest mum in the world, but that's ok.  I'm happy to trust in the censors' decisions in these things in determining what is age appropriate for games and apply them against him as an individual.

I do the same thing for television shows and movies.  When both of my kids were younger I would watch some of the PG and M movies first (yep, nothing like being able to see I'd seen the Harry Potter series twice at the cinema!) to ensure I wasn't ambushing them with content they couldn't handle.  I didn't always get it right.  Miss Seven-at-the-time was terrified by Dementors in the third movie of the series.  I didn't pick that she would even give them a second thought.  She had nightmares for weeks after the movie.  Mr Four, on  the other hand, had no problems at all.

That being said, I would never have guessed that the Simpsons episode that featured X-Files music and an alien conspiracy theory ("I come in peace") would strike such fear into a four year old's heart that he would run from the room and hide in his room every time the episode aired - right up until his tenth birthday.  Maybe I should have seen it.  He would watch the first ten minutes of Disney's "Monsters Inc" from the kitchen so he wasn't in the room with the monsters.  But then again, he would watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with me without any qualms at all.

All I ask is that if you have a child come to your place to play and they are drawn to the gaming consoles (as they all are!), please consider the content of the games they are playing.  If a parent had asked my son, "Are you allowed to play these level games", he would quite honestly respond with a negative. 

It's the same as watching a movie.  I've had afternoons when my son's friends have come over to play while I've been in the middle of a television show.  The Crime Channel on Foxtel is my favorite channel, but the content on there is not always appropriate for visitors to my home; in fact, it's not always appropriate for my own children either.  That's when it's time to record the show, and flick over to something a little more mundane and appropriate to the level of the visitor.

So keep an eye on the content of what you're watching, what your kids are playing and what other kids who visit might be exposed to and it'll be all good!

When relationships end...

I am what you might call a loyalty customer.  I don't often shop around, I stay with the same banks, insurance companies, utilities providers.  I'm not sure if it's due to lack of interest, lack of motivation or just that I find a loyalty, get treated nicely and stay.

This year, things have changed.  First of all, I broke up with my employer.  Then I broke up with my health insurance provider.   I won't mention names, but after leaving my Council job, I shopped around to replace my corporate healthcare cover.  Corporate healthcare - it always made me laugh.  There was nothing different from corporate cover to what I could get over the phone - in fact it was an extremely inflexible health plan and I only joined to avoid paying the extra tax at the end of the year.

When I rang my old provider to advise I was cancelling the policy, they tried to persuade me to stay.  I mentioned I had done a bit of homework and that I was able to get better coverage for a saving in excess of $1300 per year.  They argued that they could do better.  I mentioned that I had used a certain website to compare prices and covers.  They argued they weren't on that site and that I couldn't have gotten an accurate comparison.  I advised that I used my existing cover and costs to equate the difference.  They tried really hard to keep me, however that was the first time they had even bothered.

What always got my frustrations up were the ads that would entice new people to their company by offering free months, movie tickets, waived waiting periods - lots of different ways to get people to sign up.  The disclaimer was always the same - new customers only.  I often found myself asking "but what are you doing for your existing members?"  I paid my bills on time each month, I was relatively low maintenance, didn't claim too much and even encourage my friends to switch to them.  But at no point did they think, "how can we continue to look after our customers so that they want to stay?"

It didn't end well, and continues to haunt me as I use my new provider.  I used my card last week at the optometrist's only to find out it was declined.  I went along to a kiosk for my provider in the City and I've got to say I was very pleasantly surprised.  Friendly.  Fast.  Helpful.  WOW!

Not only had my previous provider not advised my start date, they had not sent through a certificate of clearance to the new mob, and did not confirm that I even had insurance through them.  These are all processes that are agreed in the industry, but they did not follow that through on my behalf.  Kind of confirms that I made the right move by leaving!  The lovely consultant adjusted all of my details in the computer, gave me instructions for getting a copy of the clearance certificate sent to them and processed my transaction.  She advised when to expect it to be paid, how much would be paid and then the company delivered on its promises.  They even texted me to advise that the money had been transferred from their accounts.  Now that's customer service!

My third break up was a lot harder and continues as I write.  My vehicle has been insured with this company for over 10 years.  I believe in this company so much that I am a member of their breakdown service, and in the years I have used them I have they have given me fabulous service and I have sung their praises to all and sundry.

Today I called them to correct an error on my vehicle insurance policy and to add on a new fixture to my car under my cover.  The first part was easy, changed the details and confirmed I was who I claimed I was.

The second part, not so much.

After advising the cost of the new addition (my 4wding winch), I was advised that due to the value of the modifications now being a major part of the replacement cost of the vehicle (market value), that they would no longer cover me for comprehensive insurance, and effective immediately my cover would only cover me for third party damages.  The consultant further advised that this should have been the case from my previous renewal date - December 2011 and that if I had had an accident, there was a chance they wouldn't have covered the cost of repairing my car.

My new insurer not only covers my car, its modifications and extras, but it also covers me off-road (it's a 4WD after all), although I recognise the terms that they pay under are also quite tough (eg I can't drive off the edge of a cliff and get coverage, but I can hit a tree if I'm in a slide and get repairs done).

My consultant, Josh, could not have been more helpful (yes, I know it is his job) and was also happy to disclose that he is the zebra in the backseat of the car in their new television ad that involves the phrase "Wayne Webke"!  While they were a little more expensive, I am happy to wear the cost for the extras that are automatically covered.  I also love the fact that they use their own staff in their ads (my old employer was the same).  There's a chance that if I'm happy with their service in the next 3 months they will also find themselves with some CTP policies in the next 3 months as well!

I've just called my old insurer to cancel the policy, and they were very understanding of my taking my car which they wouldn't insure, but not so happy I should be taking my other policies with me.  Unfortunately that's what usually happens with a break up - you pack your stuff and only leave behind the crap you couldn't be bothered taking with you.  Now if only they stop taking money out of my account when they are supposed to, it may even be termed an amicable split.  What is it they say in the tabloids "We have grown apart and have decided upon a trial separation.  We will remain friends and respect each other fully.  We ask that you respect our privacy in this matter..."

So in the interest of looking at the positives, I am now legally insured again, I know what I'm covered for and I took the leap again to change for the better.  Wow, it's turning out to be quite a year for me!  Breaking up has never been so easy!  I wonder who'll be next?

Facebook - friend or foe?

A friend of mine and I were discussing Facebook the other day. She very wisely pointed out that the good news stories normally get a few likes, but it's the negative posts that get the most reaction. That really got me thinking and looking at my posts and my friends' posts over the last few months.

Now I know that I now have more time to really look at what my friends are posting and read them.  And I'll admit there are some who, when I see their name, I don't even bother to read and that's where the interesting patterns emerge.

I'm hoping I won't offend anyone with this blog, but ultimately, I know that I will.  I've checked the numbers on my friends list and anticipate it will drop as some people read this, but that's ok - that's their right.  Just as it is my right to ignore what they are posting and flick down to the next person.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting in judgement here - I'm guilty of quite a few of these myself.

Here are some of the people on my list (names changed to protect the innocent):

• Cute kitten and puppy spammer - when I see these posts, there are usually about 20 in a row, all with cute catch phrases and witty remarks.  I often wonder if this person spends their whole time trawling the net to find these pics, or if it is, in fact, a spambot from an application that they have joined who posts on their behalf.  Part of me hopes it's the latter, because some of these ones are guys who send them to me!
• Inspirationalist - pretty much the same as the Cute kitten and puppy spammer, but with inspirational quotes.  I wonder the same things about those people too!
• Vaguebooker (aka The Drama Queen) - posts a single throw away line.  I call it baiting the hook.  "Shit day today" "Life sucks" "Can't believe what happened today" - all lines that will inevitably lead to someone commenting "Is everything ok" "Here if you need me" or other helpful bits and pieces.   Comments are usually followed by "will PM you" or alternatively a long narrative on what the problem is/was/will be.  Seriously, if you don't want the world to know (ie you PM someone) - don't put it on facebook.  This shit will come back to haunt you.
• Mondayitis Mob - there has not been a single Monday that someone hasn't posted that it is Monday.  I know it's Monday - I have a calendar app on my iPad.
• Friday Friendly - again, I know it's Friday, and it's great that we are celebrating the end of another week of drudgery, but really, when you see the same person posting it each week, you gotta question if they really want to be in their job :)
• LOLers - they're the ones who insult you, bag someone or something and then add LOL at the end.  It's like my teenage daughter saying "No offence Mum, but that dress makes you look fat." This doesn't negate the fact that they have just offended you - but it makes them look like it's just jokes.  Seriously, if you've got nothing nice to say (or can't say something in a nice way), don't bother to say it and certainly don't try to mask it by laughing at the end.  If you said it to me to my face and laughed, I'd probably smash you in the mouth.  Oh and if you see me in person and say LOL rather than just laughing out loud, be afraid.  LOL, no offence.
• The Trumper - no matter what you post on FB,this person will know someone who did it first/faster/slower/better.  I used to do this a lot (in person), until a very wise woman called me on it and now I try really hard not to, unless I recognise a fellow trumper and then I have fun playing with their heads and trying to beat their trumps.  I have one friend in particular who knows this little game of mine, who enjoys looking on as I play.
• Hypocrites - the people who bitch and moan about others bitching and moaning.  Who tell others to stop living their soap operas out on FB and then proceed to do so themselves. 

These are my pet irritations on Facebook.  There are others - the ones who bag out restaurants or service always amuse me.  Yep, you're probably making sure your friends don't eat there, buy stuff or use a service, but really, if you have a problem with something like that, maybe you should talk about it to the person who can fix the problem, not the world at random.  Word of mouth is a powerful tool but one person's experience can often be vastly different to another's.  I love when I see people commenting on those posts about what great service they've had or how well they were treated - not everyone has the same issues or expectations of service providers, so opinions will vary (although it's hard to find someone to say something nice about Telstra customer service!)

Facebook unfortunately allows passive aggressives an avenue of speech.  It allows people to make comments that they would never make face to face, or make gutless statements about someone or something knowing that that person will not see them - or perhaps they are hoping that someone will see them and tell them.

Funnily enough, my favorite friend is the one who isn't on FB.  When I meet FB friends, often we are at a loss of what to talk about.  The conversation goes a little something like this:

Me:  "Oh, I'm doing such and such"
Friend: "Yeah I know I read it on Facebook"
End of conversation

My nonFB friend and I:
Me: "Oh, I'm doing a ride from Goondiwindi to Brisbane in September"
Friend: "Wow that sounds great.  Is it on the cycle?  Can anyone do it? How do you think you'll go? What training are you doing?"
and the conversation flows...

You may have noticed that I don't live nearly as much of my life on FB as I used to.  I looked back over my posts over a 12 month period and realised that I shared way too much of my life on here - in fact I probably spent so much time posting it that I wasn't really living it.  Holidays without phone coverage were spent in nervous anticipation of getting back to transmission range so I could check FB and update my posts.

Now I use FB as a communication tool.  I love hearing about my friends' challenges, their families, their holidays, the positives and the negatives.  But we have to be careful about falling into the trap of making it the place to go to bitch, moan complain and bust a cap in someone's ass as a constant.  I know you'll have a bad day and want to write about it - that's ok and I support a good vent as much as the next person, I'll listen and offer advice and be an ear.  However when it's the same person constantly doing that and never celebrating the positives, you may not get deleted, but I'll certainly hide your statuses - and so will lots of others.

So here's a  challenge.  Look back at your posts for the last 3 months.  Weigh up the positive posts with the negative ones.  Really read your words - were you posting to inform, to hurt, to get a reaction, to celebrate?  For the next week (don't want to make this too hard), let go of the negatives you want to post.  Celebrate life.  Celebrate the positives.  Be happy that you woke up this morning (because the alternative is nowhere near as good).  Be thankful for the people in your life.  They were meant to test you, if everything was easy, think how boring life would be.  And if you really have to post a negative, find a positive note to end on - "Crap day at work, but glad to come home to the family/wine/dog/house over my head"

And if you notice that you have friends who can't resist the dark side - reach out to them.  This might be their way of asking for help.  It might be the only way they know.  Take them for a coffee, or a beer or a walk and offer what comfort you can to them in their dark times.

Sometimes you just have to cut your losses...

I've been away from blogging for some time now.  It's not because I've been too busy, or even that I've had nothing to say.  In fact, I've had hundreds of thoughts and started to sit down and put them into cyberspace many times.  But there was always something holding me back.

I recently had something of a career crisis, and left my job of almost 18 years.  To an outsider, it would look like a split second decision, totally spur of the moment and probably not well planned.  To me, as the insider (and to my long-suffering husband), it was a decision that was a long time coming.

I was miserable in my job.  That was over 4 years ago.  Then I received a lifeline and secured a short term temporary secondment outside of my work area.  Short term turned to 4 years - 4 blissful years of challenge, development, trust building and new friendships within my organisation.  Sadly, the good times had to come to an end and I found myself returning to my old role - one which made me sick to my stomach at the thought of gettting up and ready each morning. 

Not just "meh, work" kind of sick.  More, wake up in the early hours of the morning, vomit, sob and try to find a reason not to go in for the day.  I had a few confidants at work (including my immediate supervisor) who were helping me work through my issues, but it got to the point that I was not sleeping and my quality of life was below zero.  I was spiralling down into a pit of darkness that I could see no way out of.  I had a short "light at the end of the tunnel" which was quashed and that was it - I had to get out.

I went into work on a Friday, resigned and took two weeks of leave.  I couldn't imagine even working out my final two weeks.  I was physically sick at the thought of even going into the City for any reason and when I saw my company logo anywhere, was filled with a sense of dread.

This was not me.  I saw myself as a strong, confident person who could take on the world and anything it threw at me. Who was this weak, pasty character with no confidence or self-esteem?

Counselling has helped me to a point.  Talking to a complete stranger (I did phone counselling through my workplace), being able to put all of these scattered thoughts out there and then be validated in my feelings has helped.  In fact the counselling was what helped me make the decision to leave. 

Control is an important factor in my life.  There are things I know I can't control and I recognise that, but when something that I could control was taken out of my hands, my psychological balance was upended. 

I can't tell you how relieved I was when I walked out of the door that last time.  My work colleagues noted the change as I was packing up my desk and doing my final handover.  The words "Cheshire Cat" may have been used on multiple occasions.

Funnily enough, not once did I think twice about the decision.  I had a mortgage, two kids in school, a husband who is self-employed and probably should have been scared sick at the thought of throwing away such a well-paid job with a flexible, sought after employer.  There are moments when I worry about how we'll pay the bills and whether we might lose our house in the long term if I don't get work, but I've never thought of my leaving as a mistake.  The only mistake I think I made was not having another job already lined up to go to - or maybe not doing it sooner!

I thought I hid my angst well while going through this part of my life.  Work mates commented that they hadn't realised how bad it was for me, and that they thought I was ok with where I was.  My close friends though, they knew.  One of my closest friends actually said to me that after cycling with me one morning after I had resigned (we are regular bike riding buddies), she went home to her husband and said "the real Sue is back."  Just about all of my close friends have made the same comment about me being back to my "normal" self after this life changing event.



Me enjoying time out camping with friends post quitting



I've enjoyed the time off from working (about 8 weeks now).  I walk my kids to school in the morning, clean my house, do the washing, weed the garden, wash the dogs, renovate the house, pick up my son from school on our tandem bike, audit the books of our home business, bake cupcakes and cookies - mundane tasks that would be squeezed in here there and everywhere on my weekends or after work.  But I've loved doing it because at this point in my life, I can. 

I do a bit of volunteer work with the local primary school, have become an Active Travel mum (walking groups of kids to school) and love being home for the kids in the afternoon when they come home from school.  The local soccer club has given me some paid hours in the canteen as the convenor and I earn a little pocket money each week.  I'm learning all sorts of new skills and making new friends along the way.  And we have plans to expand our business - but more on that in later posts I think!

Now here comes the cheesy part.  I looked out of my kitchen window to see my husband working in his screenprinting workshop, my son playing soccer with the neighbours and I could hear my daughter singing and playing guitar downstairs.  I was overwhelmed with how content I felt at that moment.  I didn't realise how much things had swung full circle until then. 

I realised I am the luckiest person in the world to have such a supportive man in my life who provides for us while I'm getting my head back into the right space.  I have two beautiful kids who understand that Mum isn't quite the same as she was, but this is a new improved model; one who is less inclined to scream and snap, is less edgy and who is beginning to feel a little more like singing herself each day.



My family - together we can do anything



The old Sue is still there, and I have no doubt that there will come a time when she is ready to get right back into the work vibe, but for now, she's content to sit back and enjoy the break.  But when she kicks into gear, it's sure gonna be one hell of a ride!

We may never stop bullying but we can give our kids the tools to combat it

Ok, so right from the beginning I want to get this straight. I do not support bullying. I think bullies are cowards. I have been the target of bullies through my early teenage years.
I continue to watch grown men and women I know bully through various media and means (yes, including Facebook, face to face and through psychological and physical intimidation).

But I digress. The media is full of stories of young people who end their lives through various means as the result of bullying campaigns. The stories all show bereft parents calling on government at all levels to address bullying, to put a stop to the behaviours, to step in. Occasionally there is a report of a parent who has taken the law into their own hands and really, have effectively just bullied the bully.

As a parent, I've worried about my children, particularly my 11 year old son, who, let's face it, can be a bit sooky and anxious. He's a little small for his age and, yes, has been targeted by bullies before. He managed the bullying (physical attacks) by fighting back (thank goodness for his brown belt in ju jutsu) after attempting all of the other techniques taught to him at school. Asking the bully to stop resulted in laughter. Walking away resulted in a hit from behind. Telling a teacher had no result (I didn't see it so I can't do anything!) he got to the point where his anxiety kicked in and he was physically sick at the thought of lunchtime each day, when the child would seek him out.

We talked about his options. Like I said, he tried the techniques taught at school. He knew that physical retribution was a last resort - his training taught him that he should only use his skills for defence and never attack. But eventually, when all else failed, he was forced to put the bully on his butt. Twice. The child has not looked sideways at him since.

I can't change a bully's behaviour. I can maybe work at deflecting the behaviour away from my son, but then it just moves onto the next potential target. I can, however, give my children the tools to deal with bullying behaviour. Both have undertaken martial arts training to a junior brown belt level. That addresses the physical. But in this day and age, it's the psychological factors we need to build on.

With access to online media starting at earlier and earlier ages, there are so many opportunities for children to tear each other down online. So what tools can we give them?

Socially acceptable behaviours are a great first step. Reminding them the adage of treating others as you wish to be treated. The value of thinking before hitting the update button. Advise them that what goes online stays online, even if they delete it - if it's online it's printable and ultimately eternal.

Monitor their online behaviour. Talk to them about the positive and negative behaviours. Talk to other parents about stuff their kids are posting (not always successful, but if you know the parent well enough, this can be a real help.

I once found one of my daughter's Facebook friends had posted a comment against a photo of her dancing. The (older) girl told her that "I don't know why you bother. You're a crap dancer and may as well just do the world a favour and just kill yourself now". Nice coming from a 13 year old. I didn't bother to approach the parent, but the next time my daughter was in a group talking with that girl, I joined the conversation and mentioned I regularly check her fb and log in as her. Funnily enough, that girl deleted those posts shortly after. Interesting that she knew she had done the wrong thing and it was only the idea of an adult finding out that prompted her to review her behaviour.

When I asked my daughter about the post, she shrugged her shoulders and said "it's not true Mum, so it didn't bother me". This is a tool she has developed all on her own. She has strong enough self esteem and belief in her self worth that words don't bother her. I asked if she ever felt bullied. Yep, she replied, but only if I give them the power by believing them.

She is certainly made of different stuff than I was. A people pleaser, I was wracked by words that brought me down, worried that no one would like me and an easy target. My daughter has chosen not to be a victim. Told by friends not to talk to one of her other friends because she wasn't cool enough, and threatened with the same ostracism shown to that girl, she chose to champion the downtrodden girl. They are fast friends and the other girls still talk to her despite their empty threats.

I am proud of my girl. She developed those morals and behaviours herself. Of course she reflects the upbringing given by myself and her dad, her grandparents, aunts, uncles and others around her, but she has made her choices and followed that path. The old adage "sticks and stones" is her own personal mantra, and it's one that we work on daily with her brother, who displays behaviours much more similar to me as a child.

So when he starts to let his anxiety levels rise, we remind him of his worth. We build his self esteem, we reinforce the positives and talk through the negatives.

There's a lot of subject matter out there on the web. I encourage parents to read, weigh up what's best for their child, and begin to implement some of the measures. School guidance officers are another option, along with many government-run program's to help children build skills of their own. Encourage them to talk to you about their issues. And LISTEN! Find somewhere quiet, turn off the tv or radio and have a real talk. Listen to what they're saying, ask questions, give them the chance to tell you how they think they can deal with it. You can't give them all the answers but you can be a great sounding board.

Don't blow up. Don't get emotive. Don't threaten to confront the bully. More often than not they want someone to hear them. Build their value, show them their worth and most importantly let them know you are there for them, that they are not alone.

Don't wait for bullying to become the issue. Start giving your child the skills today. They are life skills that will not only get them through the tough early years, but will equip them for their entire lives.