Sometimes you just have to cut your losses...

I've been away from blogging for some time now.  It's not because I've been too busy, or even that I've had nothing to say.  In fact, I've had hundreds of thoughts and started to sit down and put them into cyberspace many times.  But there was always something holding me back.

I recently had something of a career crisis, and left my job of almost 18 years.  To an outsider, it would look like a split second decision, totally spur of the moment and probably not well planned.  To me, as the insider (and to my long-suffering husband), it was a decision that was a long time coming.

I was miserable in my job.  That was over 4 years ago.  Then I received a lifeline and secured a short term temporary secondment outside of my work area.  Short term turned to 4 years - 4 blissful years of challenge, development, trust building and new friendships within my organisation.  Sadly, the good times had to come to an end and I found myself returning to my old role - one which made me sick to my stomach at the thought of gettting up and ready each morning. 

Not just "meh, work" kind of sick.  More, wake up in the early hours of the morning, vomit, sob and try to find a reason not to go in for the day.  I had a few confidants at work (including my immediate supervisor) who were helping me work through my issues, but it got to the point that I was not sleeping and my quality of life was below zero.  I was spiralling down into a pit of darkness that I could see no way out of.  I had a short "light at the end of the tunnel" which was quashed and that was it - I had to get out.

I went into work on a Friday, resigned and took two weeks of leave.  I couldn't imagine even working out my final two weeks.  I was physically sick at the thought of even going into the City for any reason and when I saw my company logo anywhere, was filled with a sense of dread.

This was not me.  I saw myself as a strong, confident person who could take on the world and anything it threw at me. Who was this weak, pasty character with no confidence or self-esteem?

Counselling has helped me to a point.  Talking to a complete stranger (I did phone counselling through my workplace), being able to put all of these scattered thoughts out there and then be validated in my feelings has helped.  In fact the counselling was what helped me make the decision to leave. 

Control is an important factor in my life.  There are things I know I can't control and I recognise that, but when something that I could control was taken out of my hands, my psychological balance was upended. 

I can't tell you how relieved I was when I walked out of the door that last time.  My work colleagues noted the change as I was packing up my desk and doing my final handover.  The words "Cheshire Cat" may have been used on multiple occasions.

Funnily enough, not once did I think twice about the decision.  I had a mortgage, two kids in school, a husband who is self-employed and probably should have been scared sick at the thought of throwing away such a well-paid job with a flexible, sought after employer.  There are moments when I worry about how we'll pay the bills and whether we might lose our house in the long term if I don't get work, but I've never thought of my leaving as a mistake.  The only mistake I think I made was not having another job already lined up to go to - or maybe not doing it sooner!

I thought I hid my angst well while going through this part of my life.  Work mates commented that they hadn't realised how bad it was for me, and that they thought I was ok with where I was.  My close friends though, they knew.  One of my closest friends actually said to me that after cycling with me one morning after I had resigned (we are regular bike riding buddies), she went home to her husband and said "the real Sue is back."  Just about all of my close friends have made the same comment about me being back to my "normal" self after this life changing event.



Me enjoying time out camping with friends post quitting



I've enjoyed the time off from working (about 8 weeks now).  I walk my kids to school in the morning, clean my house, do the washing, weed the garden, wash the dogs, renovate the house, pick up my son from school on our tandem bike, audit the books of our home business, bake cupcakes and cookies - mundane tasks that would be squeezed in here there and everywhere on my weekends or after work.  But I've loved doing it because at this point in my life, I can. 

I do a bit of volunteer work with the local primary school, have become an Active Travel mum (walking groups of kids to school) and love being home for the kids in the afternoon when they come home from school.  The local soccer club has given me some paid hours in the canteen as the convenor and I earn a little pocket money each week.  I'm learning all sorts of new skills and making new friends along the way.  And we have plans to expand our business - but more on that in later posts I think!

Now here comes the cheesy part.  I looked out of my kitchen window to see my husband working in his screenprinting workshop, my son playing soccer with the neighbours and I could hear my daughter singing and playing guitar downstairs.  I was overwhelmed with how content I felt at that moment.  I didn't realise how much things had swung full circle until then. 

I realised I am the luckiest person in the world to have such a supportive man in my life who provides for us while I'm getting my head back into the right space.  I have two beautiful kids who understand that Mum isn't quite the same as she was, but this is a new improved model; one who is less inclined to scream and snap, is less edgy and who is beginning to feel a little more like singing herself each day.



My family - together we can do anything



The old Sue is still there, and I have no doubt that there will come a time when she is ready to get right back into the work vibe, but for now, she's content to sit back and enjoy the break.  But when she kicks into gear, it's sure gonna be one hell of a ride!